A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry I haven’t updated in quite a while. I’m having my exams at the moment, and I just got rid of art for the rest of my life… Woohoo! But I felt like doing a little piece today… It’s not very good, and I don’t think it makes sense… But it’s okay, right? It’s just a little something that I wrote in reply to Beka’s fic, Reminders. If you haven’t read Reminders yet, this won’t really make sense… Even though this probably won’t make sense even after you’ve read Beka’s fic. But anyhoo, this is dedicated to my lovely Beka; thank you for being such an amazayn person, I love you <3. I hope you (especially Beka) like it! Feedback is always welcome (: x
Summary: “I’ll still be here for you, Lou. But I can’t be here for you anymore, so you have to be strong, by yourself, okay?”
I know you did. I know you dreamt about me last night. You know why you had a dream about me last night? Because I fucked up… Again. It always seems like I’m fucking up, doesn’t it? I can never be perfect; unlike you.
When I left, I promised myself that I would do anything I could to protect you. And I did; I tried to. I guarded you every night in your sleep. I’d lie down beside you, just like we used to, and pull you in. I’d lie down beside you, just like we used to, and tangle my fingers in yours. I’d lie down beside you, just like we used to, but this time, I wouldn’t fall asleep; I’d guard you as you slept, and I wouldn’t let a single bad dream come to you – a single dream with me involved. Because for once, it’s my turn to be the older one, and being the older one this time, I knew dreams with me in them wouldn’t help you move on. And you were doing so well; until last night, that is.
I’m sorry I let a bad dream come to you last night. I’m really sorry you had to feel that way. But maybe the dream isn’t completely fake… You know? I am there. I’m there all the time. I’m with you everywhere you go, everywhere you are.
Can you feel me?
I’m there though; I promise.
Anyways, don’t get mad at Harry. It’s not his fault; not entirely. I can tell he misses me too, you know? As narcissistic as that sounds. And I know you miss me, and I know Zayn does too. And heck, I know even Liam does despite him saying that he doesn’t – he’s just trying to be strong for you all, you know? Don’t blame Harry, love. Don’t blame anyone; if you have to blame someone, blame me. Blame me for being so selfish.
I still laugh at your jokes. I do; can you hear me laughing? The one with the ‘irrelephant’ was really funny; I laughed a lot at that one. It was good.
I miss you too; I miss you so much. But I miss you more, knowing how you’re suffering and hurting because of me. You won’t know how much I miss you… will you? Maybe you do. But it hurts to see you hurting, Lou. I can’t stand it when you hurt, and you know that. And what hurts more is that I’m right next to you, but you can’t feel it. Well, it would be weird if you could, but it’d be nice if you looked at me now and again… Not through me.
Did you feel me holding your hand when you were walking home?
Don’t call yourself stupid for not noticing a little detail like that, love. Don’t ever call yourself stupid for anything, because you’re the smartest person I know… Except for falling in love with me. That was stupid of you.
Why did you do that anyway? Why did you fall in love with me? You never did explain… Every time I asked you’d just smile and say ‘Because I do’. Well..? What does that mean? Why, Louis Tomlinson? Why did you fall in love with such a flawed person like me, when you could have anyone in this planet? What was it about me? Because I can’t see it. Not a single reason. I’m so… imperfect. And you’re so… So perfect. Nothing you do can be wrong in any way. Your blue eyes; your brown hair. Your smile; your voice. Your body; your personality. I was nothing compared to you, no matter how many things you can list about me that you loved…
Of all the people you could’ve chosen, I was lucky enough to be the one you picked.
So thank you, Louis. Thank you for loving me, despite my many, many flaws. Thank you for being the one who I could call at 3 in the morning and cry to; thank you for being the one who would love me unconditionally even though I would make so many mistakes; but most of all, thank you for being you.
Don’t cry, babe. Remember how I always told you that everything sounds better coming from you? Especially your voice? Well… I take that back. Because everything but the sounds of you crying sounds amazing coming from you… If that makes sense at all. Don’t ever, ever cry again, Louis Tomlinson. Not for me… Because it’s not worth it; I’m not worth it. Don’t waste your tears on me, because I’m the past. Understood?
I don’t want to see another single tear slipping down that beautiful face of yours, staining those cheek bones, or making your eyes red, because of me. Because, again, I’m not worth it, Lou.
Eat ice cream again; eat peri-peri chicken again. Stop buying vanilla ice cream, because I know you hate it. Stop buying it for me, because I’m not there anymore to eat it. And I won’t ever be again.
I’ll still be here for you, Lou. But I can’t be here for you anymore, so you have to be strong, by yourself, okay?
I miss you more than anything, Lou.
But I don’t want you missing me ever again.
Do you understand?
Because it’s not an option anymore. Eight months is more than enough, Louis. And this is an order.
Stop thinking about me; stop missing me… Forget about me.
Find someone who was ten times better than I was; find someone who’s worth your time, and worth your tears – though I highly doubt the possibility of that ever happening. Find a girl, or a guy, who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Find someone who knows what you need… Find someone who isn’t selfish… Find someone who’s not me.
I don’t think I can ever stop loving you, Lou. But you have the choice to stop loving me… You have the choice to forget about me.
I promise I’ll be there for you, I promise I’ll still guard you.
I’ll be your guardian angel, you know? The way you always told me I’d be an angel… Well now I am. Except I can’t grant wishes; the best I can do is make sure I do everything within my abilities to make sure that you’re safe, and happy.
I’m sorry if I can’t protect you completely.
I guess you’ll have to be strong as well.
Promise me you’ll stop loving me. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you. Because I love you, Louis; I love you more than life itself – ironic that I’m telling you that even though I’m… not here anymore.
I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe, Lou; because that’s all I want; your safety and happiness.
A/N: I hope you liked it! And Beka… I hope you liked it most of all (: I’m not quite sure this is actually where it was heading, but I hope you liked it (: Love you <3